9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
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I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!