By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
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Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Plumber: I think I found the problem
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh