*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
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I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Liquor Store Parking
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco