No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
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[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.