If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
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I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower