My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
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Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.