Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
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My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.