My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
You Might Also Like
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Not messing around
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Battery falling down a hole
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.