I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
You Might Also Like
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
If you know, you know 😂🚔
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
how to have an accident 101
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?