They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
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Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
“Wait, let me explain..”
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.