Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
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[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Who knew!
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Just got to our Airbnb!
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!