In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
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me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.