Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
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Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
🐕🍷
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Leaving the Barbers like
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?