Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
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His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
work smarter, not harder
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.