Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
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[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.