[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
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Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
“no gods no masters” = leo
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.