ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
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Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up