Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
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Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
wish me luck lads
#SuperBowl
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it