Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
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I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
i wish i could marry a nap
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
That’s a good costume, I hope.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?