TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
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What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.