Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
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Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
In case you needed to hear it:
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”