[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
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My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver