Krampus.
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12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am