Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
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Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!