[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
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The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
that’s really how it is
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
scrabbled eggs
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.