I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
You Might Also Like
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.