“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
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Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.