I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
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Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”