Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
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Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
presenting your incognito window wrapped
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.