[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
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WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose