girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
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There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.