HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
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You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.