If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
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Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Current mood: Potato
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.