doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
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They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Hell yeah 👍
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail