I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
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My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
it must be school picture day
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like