[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
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Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”