[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
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I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it