Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
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My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
guys I’m going home
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.