DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
You Might Also Like
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”