My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
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6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Why soy sad?
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.