Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
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KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
also my go-to takeaway order
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.