I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
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Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I have so many questions.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting