a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
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3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.