I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
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Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
how to have an accident 101
Based Erika
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together