the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
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“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I need better friends
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”