“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
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I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Thoughts
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.