Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
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cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
The three genders.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.