Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
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A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
new shirt idea