I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
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When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.