Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
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getting old is fun
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.